The · Velveteen · Rabbit

I walked in the rain today
and jumped in puddles

the garbage man smirked
and mr. business suit cocked an eyebrow

Sometimes an odd delight
is all you really need

And a smile when you often frown
Can lift someone else up.

Imagination

It can be floating in vanilla silk
Or traversing across a burning desert

Every moment a new experience
A new time to fly or fall or dream

A thousand bolts of electricity freezing you
Or droplets of rain which burn

A place of color and light
or darkness and passion.

I havent been able to update much lately, but all is well and if Im not happy at least Im getting there. I can't really do anything with my life unil August so for now Im just going out to the bars and working at the law firm. Much love to everyone.

It's funny how happiness can suprise you, show up in places you never expected it too. I like working here. I work with this hillarious kid Isa. My bosses are really nice. And I love my living arrangement. I like living with other people, laid back people. I didnt realize how much I had missed it until I came here and had people around me all the time again.

I do miss some things about OH. I miss my friends. I miss the way things used to be, but even if I had stayed they wouldnt be that way anymore. We arent all in school anymore, but rather playing in the big leagues now whether in graduate school or at our first jobs. I miss having jobs like the library and FTAD where I worked with my peers and their were always friends and people my own age around. Now Iwork with a high-school kid and two lawyers in their fourties. It's kind of hard to realize that things will never be the same again. My friends will never again all live within a half hour's drive of my house. I can never really be totally irresponsible again. I can never fall in love again the way I did the first time because that only really happens once. In short I miss old friends and old times.

As much as I complained about Ohio State especially the financial aid office, I do miss it. And Im glad I had those years there. To prepare for these years.

Im not doing what I thought Id be doing. I realize now that if I really want to start in marketing and event planning I need to get my MBA while I gget my JD. And I need to start from the bottom and work my way up. At least now I have a plan.

So its my first day of work at the law firm. So far things are pretty easy. I had an upset with Fed-Ex today but besides that things have been good. I was able to learn the four tenants about when a Yellowstone Injunction is applicable. I know to most of you that sounds boring but for future lawyers thats pretty damn cool. And he let me read the entire case file! Its fun trust me.

Now Im working on learning to write a press release. :D

Things are good for now.

New York is absolutely amazing! On Sunday my friends and I went to South Street Seaport and it was bustling with activity. There are cute little shops and all kinds of shows going on there and it actually is a port with the largest ships Ive ever seen. Then we took the ferry to see the Statue of Liberty and it started storming so that lighting kept exploding behind the Statue. Then the storm became really bad and it was pouring down rain. We stayed on the outside rail of the ferry for as long as we could but when it started hailing we were forced inside. I can't even descrive how great it was.

Then on the way back we were sailing away from the storm so the setting sun was the backdrop behing the Statue. I wish I had remembered my camera, the lighting was just perfect.

Anyways life here is...absolutely fantastic. I feel like Im finally right where Im supposed to be. The only thing thats missing is employment, but hopefully I will have that soon as well. I think I have the subways just about figured out which is good cause Ive been riding them alot.

Eventually I plan to write a big long entry about the trip here, but for now suffice it too say it was a helluva adventure.

I love New York!

- - - - - Your Life: The Soundtrack - - - - -

So, here's how it works:
Open your music player (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, etc).
Put it on shuffle.
Press play.
For every question type the song that's on.
When you go to a new question press the next button.
Ready? GO!

Opening credits:
joan armatrading - the weakness in me.

Waking up:
Madonna - material girl

Falling in love:
Tom Jones - she's a lady

Fight scene:
eagles - new york minute

Breaking up:
Sarah mcclachlan - Fallen

Getting back together:
shakira - don't bother (ha!)

Secret love:
new radicals - someday we'll know

Life's okay:
Ray Charles - hit the road jack

Mental breakdown:
Rupert Holmes - Escape (The Pina

Driving:
The Buffseeds - Sparkle Me

Partying:
Jessica Simpson - Irresistable

Happy dance:
Whitney Houston - I'm every woman

Regretting:
Letters to Cleo - I see

Long night alone:
Toby Keith - You shouldn't kiss me like this

Death scene:
Wilson Phillips - Your in Love

Ending credits:
Save Ferris - The World is New

lol that was so much fun.

I graduated today.

Okay kids, sorry its been so long since the last time I updated with anything but papers Ive just been super busy. The move to NY is now on full swing and I will actually be leaving C-bus for good on the 25th. Ive found a subletter, and Im so ready to get moving. Aside from that I have been up too nothing except trying to pass my final classes. So far I have one grade back and thats an A-. So lets hope things keep going along those lines.

June 11th I march for graduation. Im so excited.

Psychosocial Dwarfism is a disorder of growth failure and/or delayed puberty. It is found in infants, children, and adolescents who were raised in an environment of severe emotional deprivation or high stress. The common definition of psychosocial dwarfism is height, weight, and head circumference all under the third percentile of what is normal for the chronological age. In truth however psychosocial dwarfism can present not only as severely diminished physical characteristics, but also as impaired psychological functioning as evidenced by abnormal behaviors and retarded intellectual growth as shown through IQ tests.
There are two types of psychosocial dwarfism recognized by pediatric endocrinologists. The first type has its onset in infancy and thus there is no history of parental rejection. Failure to thrive is present, but patients have normal growth hormone production levels. Infants tend to eat enough that it should keep them healthy but seem unable to process the nutrients and instead they slip right through the body. No abnormal behaviors are generally observed besides signs of depression. This first type generally presents as hospitalism, which is defined medically as a condition of physical degeneration due to an extended time in a hospital or hospital like atmosphere. The pediatric view of
hospitalism however refers to the physically wasting away or failure to thrive of infants or children
for the duration of their stay in a hospital or similar environment like an orphanage.
In 1941 Harry Bakwin addressed the American Pediatric Society on the issue of hospitalism and used a case study of a boy referred to as A.S. He had a normal gestation and birth weight and growth and development was normal up until the eighth week when he was hospitalized with a nasal pharyngeal infection which was accompanied by vomiting and diarrhea. With treatment the gastrointestinal problems quickly cleared up but the child continued to contract one infection after another. After eight weeks in the hospital the infant weighed one pound less than he had at his birth almost sixteen weeks ago. He was released from the hospital into his mothers care at that point and began to gain weight and grow promptly. Two years later he was found to be a normal healthy child whose weight and height were well within the normal range for his chronological age.
The second type of psychosocial dwarfism is found in children and adolescents of three years or older. Abnormal behaviors are displayed including signs of depression. Failure to thrive is sometimes present and shown through an abnormal weight for body size. There is a history of parental rejection or pathology, which often includes abuse. Most importantly there is a decrease or absence of growth hormone found and a minimal response to the growth hormone which is present.
One of the most well known cases of this disease is that of J.M. Barrie, the man who would grow up to write Peter Pan. When Barrie was seven his brother died in a skating accident and his mother fell into a depressive state. He tried to gain her affection by dressing up in the dead boys clothes but ultimately failed when she continued to reject him. As a result of this extreme state of emotional deprivation and parental pathology J.M. Barrie never grew above 4'10 and his autopsy revealed that he had never reached puberty. It is a continual irony that this man who could not grow up lived to write stories about a little boy who refused to grow up.
There are several recognized symptoms of psychosocial dwarfism. In children with psychosocial dwarfism there is decreased growth hormone secretion and a lack of response to the growth hormone which is present or synthetic growth hormone therapy. The height is less than the third percentile for the chronological age and weight is often inappropriate for the height. The skeletal age is immature for the chronological age and there is usually a delayed onset of puberty.
Abnormal behaviors are usually present and can include sleep walking, sucking on digits, social aloofness, hyper kinetic activity, and pain agnosia. In many cases there is often also a retardation of intellectual growth. The abnormal behaviors found have been compared to those of monkeys who are deprived of their mothers and other social contact. These children often are unresponsive and fearful, unable to form normal give and take relationships, and clasp or rock themselves. Powell who was one of the first to study psychogenic dwarfism listed thirteen common behavioral abberations found in these children including such things as drinking from the toilet and stealing food. This information however was garnered from the parents who had often abused their children so such information is now considered flawed and unreliable.
One of the symptoms of psychosocial dwarfism is delayed puberty. Children with this disease often show depletion or absence of the secretion of the gonadotropins, luteinizing hormone (LH) and follicle stimulating hormone (FSH), which aid in puberty. Therefore in 1974 researchers began to study cases in which delayed onset of puberty was found concurrent with psychogenic dwarfism. The first case which was studied in depth was that of a sixteen year old boy who had been locked in a closet since infancy and severely abused. He was diagnosed with battered child syndrome, psychogenic dwarfism, and delayed puberty. He had the body of an eight and a half year old boy, a bone age of eleven and a half, and there were no signs of puberty. Ten months after being removed from the home he had grown four inches, gained nine pounds, and was showing early signs of puberty. Three years after being removed from the home his height age was thirteen and a half, his bone age was fifteen and a half, and he had the appearance of being two to three years post-pubertal.
There were several case studies done after this which supported the theory that growth delay often coincided with delayed puberty. One study investigated 12 children who were past their expected ages of puberty, for girls 11-13 years and for boys 12-14 years, and who had pubic hair at tanner stage 2. Eight of the twelve were removed from the environment which had led to their stunting and were transferred to homes with a more stable atmosphere. Researchers found that the longer a child spent in the growth inhibiting environment the greater the delay of the onset of puberty. These finding support the theory that psychogenic dwarfism involves not only a suppression of the growth hormone, but also of the gonadotropin release. When gonadotropins are not released on schedule the testicles or ovaries fail to release the hormones necessary for the onset of puberty. This also fits with the idea that the high stress environment leads to psychogenic dwarfism because the chemicals released during the fight or flight response shut down the bodies reproductive systems.
Retardation of intellectual growth is another symptom of psychogenic dwarfism. In the early 20th century it was necessary for failure to thrive intellectually to be subsumed under the study of failure to thrive physiologically because of the lack of an objective test to measure intelligence. It was not until after 1916 when the Stanford Binet Scale of Intelligence was published that the retardation of intellectual growth could truly be studied. One of the first researchers to study the effects of environment on intellectual growth was H.M. Skeels, a psychologist on the Iowa Board of Control of State Institutions. After observing a case where two infant girls thrived after being removed from an overcrowded orphanage into a home for the mentally retarded he devised a test where thirteen infants living in a busy orphanage with an atmosphere of emotional deprivation would be transferred as “house guests’ to an institution for the mentally impaired. Each of these thirteen children formed a pair bond with either an older resident or a staff member in the home. These thirteen children were also age matched with another twelve infants who remained living in the orphanage and IQ tests were given too all of the children. After two and a half years the IQs of both groups were retested and showed that the “house guests” all had elevated IQ and were demonstrating catch-up growth in IQ which put them within the normal range for their age while the other twelve showed even more retardation of intellectual growth. Twenty years in 1961 later Skeels performed a follow up study and found that all thirteen house guests had adjusted to a normal position within society while only one of the twelve orphanage children had done so. This tests showed that emotional deprivation is linked to intellectual retardation, but did not link either to physical growth retardation.
In the 1980's researchers began to look into the links between emotional deprivation, growth retardation, and intellectual growth retardation. John Money tested thirty-four patients with a diagnosis of abuse dwarfism, by comparing the IQ’s from those remaining with an abusive environment and directly after rescue of those being removed from their environments to the later IQ’s of those who had been rescued and those who could not be removed from their abusive environment. He found that under abusive conditions not only is somatic growth slowed but also intellectual growth. It also revealed that the amount of catch-up growth in intelligence points is linked to the promptness of rescue from the debilitating environment. Catch -up growth after removal from the debilitating environment can be as much as 50 IQ points.
John Money found that pain agnosia, or a lack of the ability to feel pain, is another common symptom of children with psychosocial dwarfism. Children who have psychosocial dwarfism often come from physically abusive homes and he theorized that because of the constant state of pain the body would be in based on its environment the body would be flooded with beta-endorphin, which have a strong pain killing effect. In a case study of 32 children suffering from psychosocial dwarfism evidence for pain agnosia was negative in two cases, uncertain in sixteen and positive in fourteen. The significance of this is that beta-endorphin have been shown to have a negative effect on growth. This symptom may also be part of the biological cause of psychosocial dwarfism because beta-endorphin block Ornithine Decarboxylase (ODC).
Decreased levels of Ornithine Decarboxylase (ODC), an enzyme which is necessary for cell division and growth has been sited as a possible biological cause of psychosocial dwarfism. Research performed on infant rats found that when taken away from their mothers the babies growth hormone and ODC levels decreased. When rats were injected with growth hormone their ODC levels still did not elevate too normal levels. This is also supported by the lack of response these children show to the growth hormone therapy which is often the first type of treatment.
There are several other suspected biological causes of psychosocial dwarfism in addition to ODC levels. It is likely that each contributes to the progression of the disease. Many of these suspected causes are linked to the fight or flight syndrome. In times of stress the body seeks to prepare itself for fight or flight by secreting first epinephrine, then cortisol, and eventually glucocorticoids. Epinephrine causes the digestive, immune, and reproductive systems to slow down. In addition cognition is shortened and sensory sensitivity is enhanced. Most importantly however the growth systems shut down. Cortisol works to mobilize the energy stored in fat, and the liver while also helping to shut down energy-expensive systems foo growth, digestion, and reproduction. These effects are extremely helpful during times of danger, but they become detrimental to the health of a person when utilized over long periods of time as a reaction to prolonged stress. The energy which is mobilized for immediate use keeps the body unable to store any causing the person to constantly feel fatigued. Neurons eventually begin to die after long periods of time spent being exposed to the hormones which increase cognition.
The most commonly sited suggested biological cause of psychogenic dwarfism involves the low levels of growth hormone present in children who suffer from this disease. It has been suggested that there is either too little of the growth hormone releasing hormone produced within these children or too much growth hormone inhibiting hormone is being produced or some combination thereof. Animal studies have supported the hypothesis of too much growth hormone inhibiting hormone and this is also supported by the lack of response these children show to the growth hormone therapy which is often the first type of treatment.
Another possible cause involves the hypothalamus. It has been suggested that the hypothalamus may be too sensitive to the growth hormone inhibiting hormone or unresponsive to the growth hormone releasing hormone. Hormone secretion is regulated by the hypothalamus and either of these things would cause decreased growth and the lack of response to synthesized growth hormone shown by children psychogenic dwarfism.
Cortisol levels have also been linked to psychosocial dwarfism. Newborn monkeys who were subjected to a high levels of stress by being removed from their mothers and other social contacts exhibit bizarre behaviors and oddities in their secretion of cortisol. Stress levels of Russian children in overcrowded orphanages were studied by Mary Carlson, a neurobiologist at Harvard Medical School. She found that children in these orphanages displayed many of the same bizarre behaviors as the newborn monkeys and also showed a disregulation of their daily cycle of cortisol secretion. In the morning these children’s level of cortisol was lower than would be expected of normal children their age and peaked at noon when it should have peaked right before waking. In the afternoon their cortisol levels remained elevated and after any stressful event the levels stayed elevated far longer than they should have. This diregulation has been seen to affect growth and mental development with most children in the Russian orphanage showing mental and physical development of at least one year below where they should be.
The sympathetic nervous system is suspected to be involved in the low levels of growth hormone these children produce on their own. An excessively active sympathetic nervous system may inhibit growth hormone production. Researchers tested this theory by injecting patients with psychogenic dwarfism with an drug which blocked a portion of the sympathetic nervous system. In the patients given the sympathetic nervous system inhibiting drugs the growth hormone levels increased and eventually returned to normal.
The final suspected cause of psychogenic dwarfism is an elevation in the levels of Glucocorticoids, which are steroid hormones which work to energize the body during times of stress. Glucocorticoids work very much like epinephrine which speeds up the heart, dilates the air ways, and performs a variety of other effects intended to aid in the flight or flight response. Unlike epinephrine however which works within seconds glucocorticoids work over a period of hours. Glucocorticoids have several effects on the body some of which include blocking the secretion of growth hormone, the reception of growth hormone by target cells and the synthesis of new DNA in target cells. All of this is done to prepare the body for fight or flight. Researchers have found that some children with psychogenic dwarfism show an elevated level of glucocorticoids and these elevated levels are also found in infant rats that have been deprived of their mother. Children raised within high stress environment would constantly be in a state of preparation for fight or flight and thus there glucocorticoid levels remain high cutting off the growth hormone production and reception.
There are two suspected environmental causes of psychogenic dwarfism. Some researchers claim that emotional deprivation is responsible for the development of this disease while others claim it is the high levels of stress found within the environment. It is suspected however that it is some combination of these factors which leads to the development of psychogenic dwarfism.
The first suspected environmental cause emotional deprivation suggests that through the loss of a pair-bond relationship a child will develop somatic and behavioral problems. Human and animal studies have revealed that touch may be the most important ways in which caretakers and children bond and a lack of physical touching leads to stunted growth. Newborn monkeys deprived
of contact with their mothers or others display bizarre behaviors. In one study infants rats who were given contact with their anesthetized mothers still showed significant amounts of stunting, but rats who were stroked by researchers in a way mimicking the mothers licking her young showed an increase in growth hormone levels. Finally in a study on premature babies researchers hired substitute “mothers” to come in an hold half of the premature babies for two hours a day. The handled infants grew 50% faster, were released from the hospital earlier, and were still healthier months later that those infant who did not receive the increased attention.
The second suspected environmental cause is extreme environmental stress. In cases of extreme stress the body activates the adrenal gland which begins to work to prepare the body for flight or flight by producing several hormones including epinephrine and glucocorticoids. Researchers have found that there is a correlation between higher rates of perceived parental competence in response to stress and improved growth outcome. It is hard to separate cases of environmental stress from emotional deprivation. It is unlikely that researchers would find and environment which has one and not the other. It is therefore likely some combination of the two which leads to psychogenic dwarfism.
The effects of treatment for psychosocial dwarfism are inversely correlated with the age of the child. The first step in treating this disease is too remove the child from the detrimental environment. Most pediatric endocrinologists also suggest hormone therapy. It is imperative to remove the child from the environment as case studies have shown that children who received growth hormone, but were not removed from the environment showed no reaction to the hormone therapy. Researchers also found that children who received no hormonal therapy, but were simply removed from the environment still had extraordinary rates of cath-up growth.
There is a limited amount of information which can be found on psychosocial dwarfism. The disease is exceedingly rare and it is extremely unethical to deprive a child of something that is needed or is suspected of being needed for their welfare and therefore studies on the progression of this disease are also very limited. Most researchers are limited to animal research, research on pre-existing conditions such as Russian children in orphanages who are then adopted by couples in other countries, or feral children. Animal research while helpful can not be definitively tied to the way humans adapt to different stressors. Children raised with orphanages or feral children face a variety of difficulties other than environmental stress or emotional deprivation including nutritional stress and physical abuse. It is difficult to isolate deprivation or stress as significant factors causing dwarfism.
Research done on psychogenic dwarfism has been of extreme interest to endocrinologists and psychologists because psychoneuroendocrinological disorders are exceedingly rare. There have however been other studies done on how environment effects biology. Belsky, Steinberg, and Draper published a paper stating that the timing of the onset of puberty may be effected by the environment in which a child is raised. They found that girls raised within a household where the parents are battling or separated altogether the girls begin menstruating four to five months earlier on average. There are several studies which support the idea that early sexual maturation may be brought on by a stressful environment, but the theory is still hotly debated among anthropologists, endocrinologists, and sociologists.
Mary Carlson the neuroencrinologist at Harvard believes the research on psychogenic dwarfism has stong implications for how we are raising our children as a nation. She claims that when mother’s are forced to go to work leaving their children in already overcrowded daycare centers these children will begin to suffer the way Russian children in orphanages have. She has also studied children in day care centers and found that during the week while at the dqay care their cortizone levels showed the same abnormalities found in children in orphanages in Russia although the levels returned to normal during weekends when they spent time with family.
Psychogenic dwarfism is disease linked to stress and emotional deprivation. The realization of just how strong an affect environment can play on biology is an important one. The findings in this paper have been used to influence welfare reform and may have even more far-reaching effects in the future. Overall psychogenic dwarfism is a disease not just of the body, but of the mind as well. Growth deprivation, abnormal behavior, and intellectual retardation are all serious consequences which no child should have to face as a result of poor parenting skills.

You have to embrace the bad for awhile in order to actually choose to do good.

I always wanted to be that self-sacrificing do the right thing kinda chic. Not anymore. I wanna be the bad girl for awhile. After all it seems like she is having a lot more fun.

My main problem in life is that I really have no idea what I want. Besides an unrealistic fantasy of being extremely good at some exciting and well paying job I really do not have a plan. I mean there are things I think Id like to do, but I only like portions of them. I'd like to work writing and working to get new legislation passed, but I dont want to spend years doing crappy work to maybe never get there.

I'd like to work for the FBI and I somewhat like the idea of doing a dangerous job but I really don't want to do the physically demanding work to get there.

I'd like to work on enforcing international laws on human trafficking, but I know there would be days I would absolutely hate my job.

So I dunno. When you lose the childish fantasies about how life and careers could be you are left with the harsh reality of how they will be.

And that sucks.